[H] Truth Thursdays | This Is What I Mean When I Say

I love how different we are.

I love how I am not verbal, but you are. I find words lose their meaning once they're spoken out loud. I forget that although I can walk through a crowded bus/car/terminal and not understand what everyone else is saying, the minute I open my mouth and speak, almost everyone in my vicinity could be listening and perhaps understanding. My tongue, when unlatched, gives way to monsters and morphing creatures that are never quite right. I fear for the havoc my undisciplined words might wreak.

But you, you are verbal. You speak words out loud and there is power. There is meaning and emotion in your voice that soothes not only yourself, but everyone around you. Your words travel through space and time and is felt so concretely and so meticulously that it can leave craters or mountains in its wake. You have a way of making your words understood no matter the language it is spoken in.

Sometimes I feel I can't make myself understood in any language.

I love how you have scars from fighting other people and I have scars from fighting myself and yet we both wear them proudly on our sleeves like badges of honor earned in battle.

I love how when I use the word "sige" I mean most definitely, I promise, I shall make it happen. And when you use it, you mean perhaps, I'll try, we'll see what happens.

I love how I come from such a small close-knit traditional family and you came from a huge, spunky, crazy family. I am just tickled imagining what it must have been like to grow up in such loudness.

So when I say I love us for our differences, I don't mean it in a sarcastic way.  I don't mean it in a passive aggressive sense that I think you are living wrong; and you should be more like me. I don't mean it in a way to make you feel uncomfortable, or unwelcome. I don't mean to say that I dislike myself and wish I was more like you.

When I say I love us for our differences, what I really mean to say is that you enchant me. I'm fascinated by the way you live your life completely unlike me. I want to learn more about how you wash the dishes in a circle and not from left to right. I love studying how your fingers fidget with your things while you talk. I am spellbound by the pictures you paint of the world that you see because you use colors I do not even have in my palette. This is what I mean when I say that I love us for our differences.

And one more: I love us for our differences. I love us to the extent of our differences. My love of us reaches to the depths of the seas and the width of West to South and over the moon, around and back and through each rock, tree, deer, and pebble that stands between us -- just so long as we are different. You are you. I am me. We are not we. I love us for that. I love us for our platonic-ness, and our friendship. I love us for choosing to keep our distance. I love us for our differences. You challenge me every day.

[H] Truth Thursdays | This Journey

Songs that make me brave...

"Helen, you're my brave little princess."  He whispered as he tucked my covers up to my chin, the faint scent of smoke still lingering from his shirt. I could feel the commotion outside as the rest of the house was shredding documents and rearranging furniture; my mother waddling around, 8 months pregnant. We knew they would come in the middle of the night for inspection, as was customary. But in this moment, my room was quiet, my dad, who had just come home after a 12 hour interrogation, was with me. All was safe. All was well.

That night and the month and a half that followed was probably the most outrightly scariest time of my life. It was also the most exciting. Uncertainty freaks the living bejeezus out of me. Uncertainty has been the only certainty in my life. I am scared every day.

I have also learned to be brave every day.

Clair de Lune - Debussy

For my fifth birthday, my grandmother gave me a cd with all the greatest classical ballet music. I would play it every morning and dance around the living room while Tchaikovsky's melodies would prance around me, urging me to twirl, twirl, twirl, up and on the couch, down to the floor, across the white carpet and under the dining table. And then this song would come on, and for some reason, this song, demanded stillness. During this song, track #7, I would rest.

I brought the cd with me when we moved to Asia. Whenever I'd feel afraid, sad, lonely, uncertain, this song would bring me comfort.

16 years later, I think I'm starting to figure out why that is. I like how this entry is titled -"This Journey." I've learned to be brave because I know this is all a journey. I know that each moment in my life shapes me and prepares me for the next one. The notes that trickle one after the other are like those moments. Some seasons are filled with quick successions of moments spiraling into a downfall or a rise. Some moments are long and drawn out. Each moment holds its own, quivering in the air until the next one takes over. Together, those notes create a wonderful melody, a beautiful sound, the most delightful music. I know that together my moments will create a beautiful life.

I trust in my Composer. From glory to glory, He said. And in all things, He works together for the good. Whatever they might have done in evil, He can turn it around for good. I can be brave in my uncertainty because I am certain in Him. I have glimpsed the coda, and though my moments alone may not make sense, I know that it will all come together in the end to form something glorious. I know that in His hands, it will be beautiful. I know that through Him, I can make music. This makes me brave. He makes me brave.

Other songs that make me brave:

Pieces - Red

Dream a Little Dream of Me - Mama Cass

It Is Well with my Soul
Home - Gabrielle Aplin
Moon River - Audrey Hepburn (Breakfast at Tiffany's version)

and Hate (I Really Don't Like You) - Plain White T's for the other kind of brave I find myself needing more often than not. ;)

[H] Truth Thursdays | Today I Leave Behind

Today I leave behind my worries. I drop the things I cannot change and cannot control. I must be patient and mindful to sift through the things I carry to know to leave the things that don't belong.

My worry, shame, and anxiety does not belong. They do not bear fruit. They do not bring value. I drop them and they disappear.

Today I leave behind little seeds. I leave behind good thoughts, feelings, little truth in my lovelies' hearts. Today I leave behind prayers that even though I no longer see them, with a little sunshine and a healthy environment, a little bit of water, those seeds will grow.

I can not despair over them; over the things that I do not know. But I can pray. And hope that one day they'll see me as someone who has not left behind an absence, but has left behind a legacy.

[D] Truth Thursdays | Today I Leave Behind

Leaving behind

Places

People

Pieces of my heart

It's all I've been doing

I don't want to leave

I want to return 

I want to pick up

I want to stay 

But today I am here 

So today I choose

Today I leave behind again

I choose to leave behind winter

I choose to leave behind the frozen air

The Frost bitten fingers 

The cold and heavy blanket of fear and loneliness

Today I leave behind winter and open my arms wide to embrace the spring and summer

Today I choose to breathe in

Today I choose to wake up and get out of the covers

Today I return

Today I am picked up 

Today I bask in the Son

 - D

[H] Truth Thursday | I Am Here

Distance is a thing that cannot be put into words. It cannot be fully drawn, mimed, or choreographed. It is not a space that can be measured, seen, smelt, tasted, or touched. It is felt.

"I am here." I whisper to the crying child on my lap. "I'm here!!" I shout from the back of the classroom. "I'm right here," I remark as I walk out of the bathroom stall.

It's funny how we are constantly having to make our presence known. I need to assure my little lovelies that I am here, that I am listening, that I am on their side. I have to declare my attendance to my professors, coaches, and employers. I need to announce my location to the people who depend on me.

We are here. We make it known. We say hello and then goodbye. We acknowledge each new presence and it's departure. We are here. And then we're there. And then we're gone.

Distance is my cloak; my shadow. It covers me in the dark. It hides me from the light. It's a step ahead and a step behind. It has followed me through 12 moves in 21 years. It connects 3 languages, cultures, and families. It has been my companion longer than any breathing person. I feel it everyday.

I feel it when we sing the national anthem - whether in Vietnam, Philippines, or America. I feel it when I hear their hard vowel sounds that I cannot, for the life of me, seem to replicate. I feel it when they talk of memories, of old music and shows and books I never knew. I feel it when they use words like 'sexy' 'foreigner' 'big' 'traditional' 'liberal.' I feel it when I'm lost. I feel it when I'm confused.

So I say, "I am here." Not only for the sake of the child that is crying in my arms, the professor at the front of the class, or the friends that are waiting for me. I say it for me. I am here to open my heart and feel pain and love and comfort. I am here to open my mind to learn something new. I am here to experience life and let it change me. I am here to make connections. I am here to live. I am here to love. I am here to listen. I am present.

I feel my presence more strongly than my distance. With every new connection I make, I feel my presence grow. Sometimes I miss the cold assurance of my distance. It is simple, it is safe, there is no pain, only yearning. My presence is terrifying. It opens me up to a sea of pain, grief, anger, injuries, and heartbreak. But it also allows joy, peace, pleasure, love, and goodness. It is a risky choice.

Distance will always be calling me out to the safe realm of disconnect. Some days it's a giant tug out alone at sea. But I am tethered back by the passions I've found in this life. At times, I am tethered back by the pain. And yet I am anchored in love. Love is dangerous. Love is vulnerable. But in Love, I am home.

So here I am. Can you feel me?

-H

[D] Truth Thursday | I Am Here

I am here:

And I'd rather be here:

And here: 

I didn't want to be here but the longer I stay here the easier it gets. The easier it gets, the more afraid I am of forgetting the place I once called "here." It hasn't happened yet, but I'm terrified of it finally happening. I keep saying that I want to go back, but I've moved around so much that I don't even know what, or where exactly I want to go back to. 

I am here. I am a flower constantly being transferred from pot to pot. Is it because I'm growing too fast? Or is it because the last one wasn't allowing me to grow enough?

I am here. Lonely, cold, and wet in the Seattle rain. Afraid to call any place "home." But this is my here. For now.

- D