[D] Truth Thursdays 21: All Things New

Here we go. I've been avoiding writing a New Years post because I'm not quite sure what to write and in the past, I've just never been a FAN of New Years. I used to think of myself as the Grinch of New Years. I just never understood why it was so important to celebrate. Like, it's a new year and the last number of the date changes. But days change... daily. Time changes constantly. Why not celebrate every New Day? or New Hour? Bored in class one time, a classmate and I used to stare at her watch and greet everyone a "Happy New Minute!" but it got boring after the Fifth minute. Anyway, when my siblings and I grew up and realized that being with each others company at home on special occasions proved to be more of a duty than "fun," I suddenly felt the pressure of making New Years a big deal, even if I didn't know why. I'm blaming it on too much TV/movies. As I do about most of my issues. 

I still don't fully understand the whole idea about this holiday, but let me tell you that last year and the past three years have been insane and I'm quite excited to leave it all behind and start All Things New. This is the first time in three years that everything really does feel new, like I'm starting over. Except I'm not starting over, because starting over kinda sounds like I'm about to do everything all over again. I don't want to do the same things over again. It's like the book metaphor that everyone uses: It's like the past three years was a book that just finished, and now I'm starting a whole new book. A lot of new things started last year, but it really didn't feel like a new book. More like a final chapter to a horribly depressing book. So now, 2014 I'm not starting over, I'm starting. 

One of my favorite movies is Disney's Tangled, I just related so much to Rapunzel. Her song, "When will my life begin?" was my theme song up until last year when I realized that my life is now and it's starting. I need to stop waiting for a Prince Charming, a revelation that I am the lost princess. I spent so much of my life WAITING. Waiting to finish High School, waiting to leave for the States, waiting to get my residency, waiting to go to college, waiting to meet friends, waiting to fit in, SO MUCH WAITING. In all that waiting, I was so afraid to open up because everything felt so temporary and unsure. 

But everything that's temporary and uncertain in my life right now is everything that's making me excited about 2014. For so long I had been waiting to finally just find something permanent and stable so I can settle down and make roots. But now my heart is yearning for adventure and I can't imagine staying in one place for too long. I literally have no idea what this year is going to bring and in the past that would have scared me to death, but now I am ready for anything. I'm ready to go anywhere. This world is so huge and I used to be so angry that I was moved from my corner in South East Asia all the way to the other side, but now all I can see are all the places I skipped on my way here. 

In the past years, I entered every new year as a battle to be won. A battle for joy, for Jesus, for myself, for people. And looking back, that's exactly how it felt. I've been through some crazy battles to get to where I am. Now I'm sure I'm still going to have some few battles this year and for years more to come, but this new year is an adventure to be explored. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN THIS YEAR. But I know I want to travel, I want to see new things, do new things, love new people. 

"I have no idea what my future holds, but I know who holds my future." 

"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland."  

- Isaiah 43:18-19

- D

[D] Truth Thursdays | To Answer Your Question...

How are you really? 

I am actually doing really good, and for the first time in a long time I actually mean it. For the first time in a long time, I'm actually truly happy; and not because of my circumstances. I'm just happy. I finally accepted that where I am is where I am, and it's where I'm supposed to be. It's a little sad that certain things had to happen, hearts had to be broken, for me to finally come to this conclusion. My worst fear happened; It hurt like hell but I realize I've been subjecting myself to worse pain for the past 10 months trying to hold on to something that I knew wasn't good for me. Now that it happened, I'm no longer bound by that fear and I've never felt free-er and happier. I have a new sense of adventure that I haven't had in a very long time. 

I've been transplanted to way different places in the past 2.5 years and it was painful. The moment that I thought I was finally laying down roots, I get pulled back out and moved to a different place. After High School, I knew that God wanted me to move to the States and I spent 2 years waiting for that to happen. I didn't know when it was going to happen, and there were times when I started to doubt if it was ever going to happen, but we waited. I was out of school so I spent most of my time at church and with people from church. I made so many good friends in those 2 years that it made leaving even harder, but my prayer from the very beginning of this journey across the Pacific was: "Lord, use me until you can't use me anymore." My time in California was done, but it felt like it had just begun. These past 10 months I had made plans for my future that I was so set on following. They were a little different from the original plan of being a missionary and teaching children, but I figured I would be able to find a way around it. Anyone could be a teacher and a missionary anywhere right? 

"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." - Proverbs 19:21

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" - Jeremiah 17:9

I knew full well that I was following my heart, my deceitful, foolish, and sick heart but I wanted it so bad to be right. So certain things had to happen, my rotten heart had to be broken so that it could get fixed the right way. 

I recently got a tattoo when I was down in California the other weekend. It's a design I've kept in my pocket for over 3 years now. It's Greek for "Joy". When people ask me why I got it, sometimes I get too lazy to explain so I just tell them it's because my first name, Felice, means "joyful". Which it does, but it's not the whole reason why I got this permanently inked on my skin. 

There's this song that we used to sing in Sunday School that goes, "I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart, WHERE? Down in my heart, WHERE? Down in my heart to stay! And I'm so happy so very happy, I've got the love of Jesus in my heart!" that one of my favorite bands, Page CXVI, remade. They sing it slowly and in a minor key and the first time I ever heard it, I thought it was hilarious that they were singing about having joy in such a melancholy way. But after listening to it over and over, I realize that it did make sense. At the end of their version of their song, they added the words to "It Is Well With My Soul" that goes, "When Peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll; whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say. It is well, it is well, with my soul." Joy is not about being cheerful all the time, joy is having peace, knowing love, in the midst of the minor keys and melancholy. 

Researching, I found that the Greek translation for joy had plenty of meanings, and my favorite one is, "Grace recognized." 

Now my rotten heart is still mending, but I'm truly, honestly, and I'm not saying this hopefully, because I'm really currently, happy. :)

Photograph by: Riva Ramos

For Truth Thursdays

- D

[D] Truth Thursdays | Today I Leave Behind

Leaving behind

Places

People

Pieces of my heart

It's all I've been doing

I don't want to leave

I want to return 

I want to pick up

I want to stay 

But today I am here 

So today I choose

Today I leave behind again

I choose to leave behind winter

I choose to leave behind the frozen air

The Frost bitten fingers 

The cold and heavy blanket of fear and loneliness

Today I leave behind winter and open my arms wide to embrace the spring and summer

Today I choose to breathe in

Today I choose to wake up and get out of the covers

Today I return

Today I am picked up 

Today I bask in the Son

 - D