I am actually doing really good, and for the first time in a long time I actually mean it. For the first time in a long time, I'm actually truly happy; and not because of my circumstances. I'm just happy. I finally accepted that where I am is where I am, and it's where I'm supposed to be. It's a little sad that certain things had to happen, hearts had to be broken, for me to finally come to this conclusion. My worst fear happened; It hurt like hell but I realize I've been subjecting myself to worse pain for the past 10 months trying to hold on to something that I knew wasn't good for me. Now that it happened, I'm no longer bound by that fear and I've never felt free-er and happier. I have a new sense of adventure that I haven't had in a very long time.
I've been transplanted to way different places in the past 2.5 years and it was painful. The moment that I thought I was finally laying down roots, I get pulled back out and moved to a different place. After High School, I knew that God wanted me to move to the States and I spent 2 years waiting for that to happen. I didn't know when it was going to happen, and there were times when I started to doubt if it was ever going to happen, but we waited. I was out of school so I spent most of my time at church and with people from church. I made so many good friends in those 2 years that it made leaving even harder, but my prayer from the very beginning of this journey across the Pacific was: "Lord, use me until you can't use me anymore." My time in California was done, but it felt like it had just begun. These past 10 months I had made plans for my future that I was so set on following. They were a little different from the original plan of being a missionary and teaching children, but I figured I would be able to find a way around it. Anyone could be a teacher and a missionary anywhere right?
"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." - Proverbs 19:21
"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" - Jeremiah 17:9
I knew full well that I was following my heart, my deceitful, foolish, and sick heart but I wanted it so bad to be right. So certain things had to happen, my rotten heart had to be broken so that it could get fixed the right way.
I recently got a tattoo when I was down in California the other weekend. It's a design I've kept in my pocket for over 3 years now. It's Greek for "Joy". When people ask me why I got it, sometimes I get too lazy to explain so I just tell them it's because my first name, Felice, means "joyful". Which it does, but it's not the whole reason why I got this permanently inked on my skin.
There's this song that we used to sing in Sunday School that goes, "I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart, WHERE? Down in my heart, WHERE? Down in my heart to stay! And I'm so happy so very happy, I've got the love of Jesus in my heart!" that one of my favorite bands, Page CXVI, remade. They sing it slowly and in a minor key and the first time I ever heard it, I thought it was hilarious that they were singing about having joy in such a melancholy way. But after listening to it over and over, I realize that it did make sense. At the end of their version of their song, they added the words to "It Is Well With My Soul" that goes, "When Peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll; whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say. It is well, it is well, with my soul." Joy is not about being cheerful all the time, joy is having peace, knowing love, in the midst of the minor keys and melancholy.
Researching, I found that the Greek translation for joy had plenty of meanings, and my favorite one is, "Grace recognized."
Now my rotten heart is still mending, but I'm truly, honestly, and I'm not saying this hopefully, because I'm really currently, happy. :)
Photograph by: Riva Ramos
For Truth Thursdays
- D
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