Just a few months after the book came out in 2012, a friend from back home recommended John Green's The Fault In Our Stars to me. I was twenty; not exactly a teenager anymore, but also not exactly not a teenager either. It was my 1st year anniversary in The United States, and 2011 was most depressing; not having friends or siblings around. So I read the book, the beginning of Summer of 2012, I was neither sick, nor in love. But I read the book in a day, it was so easy. Like reading a diary; my diary. After I had read the book, my friend told me that he recommended me the book because he thought Hazel talked a lot like me. Which kind of scared me, that a grown man (John Green) was so good at talking like me. Except like, Hazel was a lot smarter and deeper than me. So I read the book and cried the ugly cry. I hated the book for making me feel unnecessarily sad. I was just getting over the end of Harry Potter, now this book? I HATE SAD THINGS THAT MAKE ME SAD. Life is sad enough, I read and watch to escape sadness. I had to keep reminding myself, "I am not Hazel Grace Lancaster. I have healthy, liquid-free lungs. I am not in love. Augustus Waters is not real. This is fiction." It took me a long time to get over that. So when I heard they were coming out with a movie, I was highly reluctant. Because A. I don't think I can go through all that again. B. Augustus Waters. But I bought the book recently to give to a friend, and I ended up reading through it all night with an upset stomach from a stupid post-Thanksgiving non-vegetarian dinner. I really wasn't intending to read through the entire book again, which helped me distance myself from becoming Hazel Grace Lancaster. I have this problem, hopefully other people can relate. Because so far, none of the people I've talked to, have said they are the same way. Empathy is one my strongest suits, when I read a book, watch a movie, I get too into it and I become the character. I would be a horrible actor because I'd be one of those people who would confuse real life with their on screen/stage lives. When movies are too real, I have to stop watching. I feel too much, is that possible? I've never read The Hunger Games because I don't want to be Katniss.
1. "I'm like. Like. I'm like a grenade."
I have never been in a real romantic relationship. I have never had anyone call me their girlfriend, and I've never had anyone to call my boyfriend. There have been guys, prospective guys who I liked and some who liked me back. I've never kissed a guy. I'm healthy, unlike Hazel. I am not that socially inept - actually, I'm really good at pretending to be socially 'ept'-. But Hazel's words. When read them the first time, it was like entire life summed up in one sentence. Which leads to
2. Augustus Waters
I don't even. I can't even. First of all, where can I find hot intellectual and charming non douchey pants men like him? Second of all, it occurs to my mind often that it seems like my entire life story is about this never ending journey to that moment where I fall in love. I thought I was in love once. This time last year. I thought I found him, he was perfect. Tortured, intellectual, good-looking. But I had to move to Seattle and he hooked up with my best friend. --
3. Caroline Mathers
- I don't want to be Caroline Mathers. I don't want that heart break to be my story. I don't want my disease to unlove be who I am.
4. "Pain demands to be felt."
Agh gah ugh. Ugh. ""But something in their iron robot hearts will yearn to have lived and died as we did: on a hero's errand." I wrote this song, when I thought I was in love. It was about how I wish I was a robot because I didn't want to be in love with a man who was 900 miles away. Because I knew I had to let go somehow. I never told him how I felt, because I was a grenade that didn't deserve to be loved. http://youtu.be/9qL3gSrdc4c
5. "On a hero's errand"
Augustus Waters wanted his life to matter. He wanted to be remembered. I'm sorry to get all Christian on you, but gosh darn I'm happy I live for a capital S- Someone. That my purpose is so much bigger than who I am and what I could ever imagine. That yes this world will be forgotten, all of it. But I'm glad to be part of an infinity that is greater than all infinities. Because if I lived my life for a capital M-Me, I'd never be satisfied. I'd keep complaining that life is unfair, that my infinity is too small. That I'm never going to fall in love because I'm incapable of letting myself fall in love. But my infinity is NOT small. I live for a big infinity. I am loved first. So I can love others. And hurts. But that matters. Pain helps us define joy. Our lives are short yes, but they all matter. Augustus Waters' life mattered. I hope he knew that. It mattered.
"In all my 900 years of traveling through time and space, I have never met anyone that is not important." - Doctor Who
-D
